Walking through the storm

Pain… Anxious ... Sick… Sad... Angry...
Pain… Anxious ... Sick… Sad... Angry...
Pain… Anxious ... Sick… Sad... Angry...

This cycle pretty much summed up how I was feeling that particular day and for the most part of 2012. It is bizarre how the mind can feel a multitude of negative emotions and yet be fully functional. Kelly Clarkson's song 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' was playing on the radio and I wondered 'Why, oh why was I feeling weaker by the day?'

My life had just taken a U- turn. Everything was topsy-turvy. I felt completely broken and shattered. My health was going downhill and my eyes were burning constantly like I had already cried a lifetime's worth of tears. Yes, tough times and stress in your personal life can do all this and much more to you! 

People I considered as friends started ignoring me. Perhaps they thought I would depend on them - which I would never ever have! An occasional phone call to see how I was holding up would have been nice. New acquaintances became like family trying to encourage me to come out of my shell. They brought back the music lover in me. Amma & Achan (My parents), Ammamma (my granny), Auntyna (my aunt), close extended family members, a handful of best friends, and few colleagues became my strong emotional support system. Then there was this other category of people that I was not close to but would speak kindly to me whenever they met me. Life is strange - it puts you through trials and tribulations just to teach you very valuable and important lessons. When I was little, Ammamma used to say ‘Don't count the number of friends by the ones who laugh with you when you are happy, make room for those who will wipe your tears when you are sad’. I never really grasped the meaning of these wise words until reality struck me. Through this whole ordeal, I realized who my true friends are and who really matters.

Days passed by, and though I poured all my energy into my work, I started feeling like I needed something to look forward to in addition to my professional life. Something apart from my career - that would challenge me and help me prove my worth to myself! I racked my brains and pondered over my options. I thought about how passionate M (my manager then) was about running. She would tell us about the races that she took part in and upon request showed me some of the medals that she had won. ‘Ah! The wonderful bling! A Half Marathon! That is it!!’, I thought. When I discussed this with M, she said it was a great idea and encouraged me. Her next race was the Nationwide Children's Hospital Columbus Half Marathon. I googled about the race and realized that the fundraising was for a good cause, so I decided this was going to be the 'One'! M told me the best way to train was to join a group and suggested MIT - Marathoners In Training. Since all this was so new to me, she took me to Dicks Sporting Goods and Fleet Feet for my running gear...

I was excited and filled with positive thoughts...

Sign up for the race - check

Join MIT - check

New shoes - check

Sweat pants and t-shirt - check

I was all set to do my first half marathon! Wait- I spoke too soon... Didn't I have to get up from the couch, pick my feet up and actually run?

The following Saturday I went to a trail near my apartment and started running. It wasn't that bad. I checked my watch - Whaaat?? Just 30 seconds and I was already breathless... Walked for 10 minutes and I was done!

I could hear voices inside my head taunting me. ‘You and running?!? Seriously - You have never walked even 200 meters in your life, then how are you ever going to walk 13.1 miles? It's not too late to STOP!!!’ I thought to myself – ‘Yes that's right - I have never been into sports or fitness... Who am I kidding? Walking is not for me!’ Feeling dejected I called my parents. They just said few words – ‘We are sure you can do it... Go For It!’ Their belief in me, their encouragement and moral support boosted my confidence and I was back in the game!

In the months that followed, due to the personal turmoil that I was going through, I couldn't focus on training and had walked only up to 6.5 miles in one go. It was October already and I seriously considered backing out, but there was a tiny fire inside me that was still burning despite the harsh winds...

Race day was finally here. I got up feeling nervous and second doubted myself. I just prayed to God and decided to show up at the venue and leave the rest to HIM... After reaching my designated corral, I was amazed to see the sheer number of participants...the energy... the crowd... the music... Everything seemed so surreal! I started feeling the adrenaline rush through me and then there was no looking back...

Every mile there was a sick child cheering us, tiny two - three year old kids who had gone through major surgeries. I could feel a lump in my throat and emotions rushing through me as I gave one of the kids a high five and he smiled so sweetly in return. That's when it hit me - people go through unfortunate situations, suffering and bad phases; you can pray for God’s grace and blessings but sometimes for no reason bad things happen to good people. Life is so unpredictable, anything can happen to anyone at any time! And you will understand the pain only when you experience it first-hand.

The first five miles were tolerable, but there were still miles and miles to go... I just kept repeating to myself ’Do not Quit’. By the ninth mile I was so exhausted, my legs were so sore, my feet were so numb and I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. I started to breakdown and I couldn't accept that I had come this far to fail. Having no PR (personal record) in mind, I just wanted to finish. With every step that I took, I tried to stamp all the negative energy, emotions and everything that had happened in my life that year! Before I knew it, I could see the finish line... The next few moments happened real quick. I just remember hearing loud music, seeing a big crowd waving and then feeling overwhelmed, overjoyed and truly victorious when I received the medal... I couldn't believe it! I actually DID IT!!!

That night in retrospect, I realized that though this race was a grueling test of my physical and mental endurance, it was the best gift that I could give myself. As a result of the struggle, a stronger new ME was born... Welcome Sheetal 2.0!